Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
