If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
