...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
