u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
