If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
