I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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