someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
