my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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