She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
