I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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