I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
