i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
