I wish I only lived at night.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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