If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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