So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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