so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
