everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
