That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
