The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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