I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
