Duck Duck Cougar?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
