non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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