I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
