He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
