Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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