I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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