The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
