so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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