lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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