The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
