He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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