I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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