How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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