Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
