forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
