I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
