Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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