After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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