Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
