I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
