so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
