Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
