On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
