I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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