At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
