Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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