I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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