Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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