my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?