so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
