You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize