Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
