I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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