She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She bit a glass in half.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
