the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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